If being both a Creator and a Victim; does that make us BI Mental? Is that the same as BI Polar?

This is the "Rag Doll" number from the Radio City Hall Christmas Spectacular. This and the "Toy Soldier" number they have included in the Christmas show for some 50 plus years.

I think it is a rare occasion when we don't grow through our teen years and not have a large portion of our mental reality thinking we are a victim. I say that with some age and (hopefully) wisdom under my belt. I do not dwell on it, and am no longer a "victim" of it, but I had a harder than usual childhood and it continued through my teens. Our parents, I acknowledge, did the best they could, but it was very substandard. As adults my brother and I joke that what we learned about parenting and relationships from our parents was; if you can't be a good example, then most likely you are going to be a horrible warning.

They were and continue to be horrible warnings of what not to do. David, my brother, and I take heed to these lessons and work daily to be good creative humans. But both of our late teens and twenty's were difficult because we both felt like absolute victims. Our parents were victims so we learned it well, we lived in a pink bubble of emotionally sick luxury, and everybody and everything was out to get us. The start of my healing, even though it was still years away, was when I went on tour with Ice Capades. I was away from our unhealthy family life, but I still lived in a little bubble of the privileged. My point, and I do have one, is it still took years before I had what Oprah would call my "ah-ha" moment. This moment came in my late 20's, with considerable expense to me emotionally, to my ego, and for a short time to my skating career.

After years of being a successful skater (I thought anyway, hindsight has informed me I was difficult to work with and an all around ass), I was doing an ice show just outside of San Fransisco. All shows (ice or not) have a wardrobe department and that department includes "dressers" who help you get ready and especially are valuable for fast changes when you have to change and get back on stage. At this particular show my dresser was an 18 year old girl. Dressers are always local people with some degree of theater background. Usual attire backstage at an ice show are your skates, and a g string. Just for a little more background, we do not wear g strings because we think we are sexy, it is because it makes for a nice line in the usually tight costumes. Note that you NEVER see underwear lines at an ice show or watching skating on TV.

I digress, anyway.

So myself and my dressing room buddy Bobby Bowles were getting pumped for another show after a day of standing ovations, make up on, in our backstage wear when the dresser came in. Our dressing room did not have any bottled water (this was in our contract but not the dressers responsibility) and I barked to her to go get us water. She politely declined and continued to get our costumes ready and I was incensed. I pulled my g string down to my ankles, put my hands on my hips and said tell the stage manager I am not skating until you bring us bottled water.

Practically nude, in front of a 18 year old girl, making unreasonable demands and acting absolutely horrid, a complete ass. It makes me cringe (and laugh a little I have to admit) to write this. She went to get the stage manager (also telling him what had just transpired) and he brought us water and asked about what had just happened. After the curtain call of that show, security was in my dressing room to escort me from the venue, and the producer instantly fired me.

Me!!! I was Kevin Day!!! I was the biggest asset any ice show could have for ticket sales!!! What the hell were they thinking?? HOW DARE THEM DO THIS TO ME!!!

It is so elementary how this entire situation could have been avoided. I was a ticking victim time bomb for years, and this was the beginning of a new chapter. Ice shows went on without Kevin. For several months producers would not take my managers calls. My Inner Defender kept trying to make me feel better, but it was growing weak. The louder voice was saying "boy, you messed up, you need to change or.....", so I did.

Three months later, I got an interview with Charles Schultz, the creator of the peanuts. He wanted to use me for a Christmas Special he was doing, but had also heard of my recent behavior. He was a sweet soft spoken man, and listed to me as I owned my behavior (perhaps for the first time in my life), accepted how it was extremely wrong, and promised him I would be a complete professional during his production. He offered me the contract and that was the beginning of a complete new Kevin. I was sad when I heard he died and will always credit him with helping me make the decision to take the path of becoming a better person.

Fast forward about five years, I actually had the reputation of being a true die hard professional on any set or production site. I no longer had a manager and handled all of our contracts (I was a pair skater). We were approached by someone who said we would be perfect of a show they do at Radio City Music Hall that had a small bit of ice skating in it. We had done some high profile jobs, and worked with many stars - but the Rockettes!!! New York!!! Radio City!! I tried to be cool, and took the number of the producer, but was terrified to call. However, my desire to be a part of this show was stronger than my fear. I made an outline of what I was going to say, notes with answers to possible questions he may ask, and dialed him up. While we knew many of the same people, he did not know of us. We had a decent talk, nothing warm and friendly, and said good bye. Was he going to hear about my horrible behavior? If he did, could I convince him that was a long time ago and I was different? Was I different?

The entertainment field wreaks havoc on your mental state.

He called our mutual friends and other producers and we got the job. We did many great shows but that one was the highlight of my skating career. Working at Radio City with the Rockettes was like being a small part of American entertainment history. Not to mention how many cute chorus boys were in that show. (Blush)

In both of these stories the outcome was, of course, completely different, One incredibly negative and one incredibly positive. Both outcomes were also the direct result of my decisions and my actions. It was during and after Radio City I really started to realize how the decisions you make and actions you take completely effect your present state of serenity and your future serenity.

The lesson you can take away from this journal entry is so very well written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross at the top of the assignment sheet for this journal entry.

"I believe we are solely responsible for our
choices, and we have to accept the
consequences of every deed, word, and thought
throughout our lifetime."