The Joy of Quadrant II - Journal Entry 12

Joy had eluded me for the better part of 15 years. Joy. I would smile, even laugh, but inside I felt dead. I was clinically depressed but undiagnosed. The last 5 years of it on a daily basis I would wish I were dead. I did not have the balls to kill myself, but I would pray for God to take me. Every night. Nothing mattered. I could go days without bathing or hardly getting out of bed. I had no structure, no motivation, no desire, no joy.

This was hard to accept since the first part of my life was so filled with joy. Where did it go? What did I do to make it go away? I could pinpoint a couple of events that would make someone upset, perhaps down and depressed for a short time - but mine lasted year after year, and was getting worse. It was like there were two Kevins and I missed the Kevin that was full of joy. I mourned the loss of him. That made me even more depressed. It was an overwhelming snowball effect that I had no control over.

All of the professional success I had enjoyed in my early life was gone, joy was gone, I had no desire to do anything, not even live. I picked a date to end my life, it was so painful I could no longer take it. For once I had a bit of excitement in my shell of a soul because I had a goal, I had picked a date that the suffering was going to end. I was going to kill myself on my birthday.

It seemed perfectly logical to leave the day you came in on.

Fast forward, I am filled with joy. I was reminded of how dark depression can be because a family friend is going through it. He cannot make rational decisions, and cannot see past the depression. I pray for him that something will also snap for him to bring joy back into his life.

So, time management, which is actually self management, for me lies in structure and not varying much from that structure. Yes, I do use a calender that syncs with my iPHONE, I daily make list, and Monday through Friday I do pretty much the exact same thing. Study increases on any topic a week or so before a test. I never need to cram becuase I work hard daily to keep to my routine. I think one of the reasons this works so well for me is because my happiness does not happen down the road when some event happens (I will use graduation for an example here since we are in a class and all share that want / goal) my happiness happens today, now, right in this very moment. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey.

So, sticking to what this entry is supposed to be about (sorry, my mind is in a lot of places tonight) my system is routine, list making daily, keeping a calender months in advance - and enjoying being in the moment.

The three tools offered in the book, I feel I already use - I am just more of a digital person and keep things on PC's, hand held devices - make sure they are always syncd, keeping an eye on the big picture while doing what needs to be done in fornt of me to get to the big picture. Could my system be improved, of course. Actually, I would like to be more cosistant with my journaling without having to be making a text book entry. But there is only so much Kevin to go around and I have got to keep all these balls in the air I am juggeling. So for now, I am happy and accept that this is about the only time I will be able to journal. However, this time is precious to me.

Spring Break Bliss - Journal 11

This is Monday of my first college spring break. The weekend was wonderful and productive, and as I reflect on my fist half of this semester, I have to say, I am proud of myself. Very proud. It has been anything but easy and the lessons I have learned have been in and out of the classroom. The whole experience of being a student is a lesson, wow.

I would not trade going right on tour out of high school (against every one's wishes) instead of going to college, and I know I would have failed out of college within a year or less. I was so over school, being bullied and called a fag, I craved what Ice Capades had to offer, and I had to get away from my very unhealthy home life. Going to college now as an adult I value it so much more. I hear kids (keeping in mind anyone under 30 to me is a kid) wanting to test out of classes and to hurry up and get through the college process so they can "get on" with their life. I regret that for them, because while I do have goals for the future, my life is right where it needs to be. I feel if I wanted to hurry through this process and that life did not "start" until this part of my life was completed it would only lead to my unhappiness and most likely failure.

I lived in Japan for six months and the eastern beliefs had a huge impact on my life (I think) for the better. One of the several life lessons I accepted was to live in the moment. This moment is complete, whatever I am feeling (emotionally or physically), whatever I am thinking, the moment is complete. If I were not happy unless I had an accomplishment that was 2 years down the road, I would not be in the moment. When you are not in the moment, you miss the present, and to me, the present is all I have and is where true deep happiness is.

I am judging no one in this writing, and these are just my thoughts. We all have our own path and Lord knows, I have taken a long one and often chose the one with the most resistance HAHA. However, with each positive and negative experience, I have walked away with a valuable lesson learned.

The above video is of Alicia Keys singing her song "Superwoman", while I am not a woman it deeply touches me and is a great song of positive affirmation. The official video, also very inspiring, does not allow embedding due to copyright, but you can see it by clicking here.

I just read the first of Chapter 4, this is going to be interesting. I am at the point of submitting Journal Entry 11, but in a nutshell, what I will be taking away from this chapter is (as it is called) Mastering Self Management but I have the opposite problem. I do too much and need to make more time to stop and take care of Kevin. That is how I see it now, lets proceed and see where this goes.

1) Write a list of fifteen or more specific actions you have taken in the past two days.

• Cooked and cleaned the kitchen
• Q2
  
• Made my bed (daily)
• Q2
  
• Made an outline of what I can get done for my boss this week while on Spring Break
• Q1
  
• Worked for hours on cleaning up my personal database to also use for my boss
• Q2
  
• Worked on my bosses database
• Q1
  
• Created a new email address for her and imported her contacts
• Q1
  
• Scanned photos to store digitally on FACEBOOK
• Q4
  
• Bathed (daily)
• Q2
  
• Shaved my head
• Q2
  
• Downloaded some software for work
• Q1
  
• Downloaded some software for two computer science projects due when we get back
• Q2
  
• Slept (daily)
• Q1
  
• Watched TV in passing, listened to it in the other room while working
• Q4
  
• Been irritated with my fathers questions, actions
• Q3
  
• Kept up with my emails although I need to email my mom and grandma
• Q2
  
• Downloaded some songs into my ipod for when I bike ride
• Q4
  
• Talked on the phone once, to my boss
• Q2
  
• Made an effort to visit with Dad and be civil (Gezz I wish he would go back to Europe)
• Q3
  
• Joined TWITTER for work
• Q2
  
• Made a mental note of things I need to do for school this week that I need to put to paper
• Q2
  

2. Now I am to identify each action above using the Quadrant II Time Management System, I will do so just under the action in red.

3. Write about what you have learned or relearned concerning your use of time.

Time is a precious commodity to me. I get highly irritated when it is wasted which is why many of my dads conversations irritate me. They usually have nothing to do about anything of relevance or are centered on how I could live better or do things better (being micromanaged). I am very thankful he lets me stay here while going to school, but it is NOT without a price.

I also cherish my time to be on my bike and have not done so in what seems like a week. Riding is great exercise, makes me feel better mentally and physically, makes me sleep better, makes my body look and feel better - so many positive benefits. I usually can get my riding in by going to school but this past week the weather was bad so I have gone about 4 or 5 days without a good bike ride. I need / want to manage my time so that this activity can be worked into my schedule (weather permitting) daily. Stop working, stop thinking about school, and go get some exercise. This week I am going to try to work this back into my schedule and once spring break is over try to keep it up.

That's it for entry 11, now as you can guess - I need to do some work for my boss and later this evening I am going to do some algebra, however, today - I am going to ride my bike 20 miles. YEA!!!

Journal 10

Write a one sentence statement of one of your most motivating goals or dreams in your role as a student

As a student, I want to stay consistent with applying myself keeping a high GPA. I want to be well thought of by my teachers and fellow students.

Write a list of personal qualities that would help you achieve this educational goal or dream.

• staying focused
• taking care of my self mind body and soul
• eating well
• getting plenty of rest
• keeping a good attitude
  
• being understanding of others
• studying often, college does not end when you leave campus
• staying centered
• staying in a place of gratefulness
  
• helping others when able
• making good friendships and emotional connections while in school

Write three versions of your personal affirmation.

A) I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude.

B) I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude creating my dreams.

C) I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.

Choose one sentence from step four above that you like best and write that sentence five or more times.

• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.
• I am a centered, focused man with a good attitude and I love life.

Write three paragraphs, one for each of the qualities in your affirmation.

I've not always been centered, there may be children who are born with this blessing and grow into it gracefully and beautifully, but I was not one. After years of living an frustrating life largely in part to the decisions I was making I wanted more. I wanted a better life. A close friend of mine gave me a book about me meditation and the effects it can have on one. It was really life changing for me. When I am centered things do not bother me as much as usual, my mood is well tempered and even, and over all, I am a more pleasant person to be around. Christa, thank you for being so insightful to give me the book titled "The Key".

I have had moments of great focus and single mindfulness to accomplish goals, but like above, it did not come naturally nor in my younger years could I summon it on command like a witches spell. Thankfully, age has shown me the tremendous benefits of being focused. An example of my being focused was probably first seen when I was in my mid teens. I so wanted to get away from my uber negative family life, I zeroed in like a laser beam on my ability to figure skate and what to do to get better so I would be desirable to a touring show. That was my ticket out and it worked.

Having a positive attitude for me has been the foundation of many many employment offers, skating or otherwise even if the other pair team was better than us. No one wants to be around someone with a poor attitude. When standing in line to renew your automobile tags or mail something at the USPO when the line is out the door; it is surprising the length someone will go, even when in a bad mood, for someone who smiles and has a positive attitude.

Well, chapter 3 was great, I just turned ahead and saw chapter 4 is on MASTERING Self Management. Thank God.

Journal 9

I have so much going on in my head, so many things I need to get done, so many things I want to stay ahead of (I like to stay a week a head of all my classes in work and reading) that I am not so focused on any brain drain and have no multimedia to post! Actually, a couple of the projects I am working on are several different kinds of multimedia (one for your class) so my energies are going there. I also have neglected my bike riding this past week and want to make more time for it.

I very much enjoy "routine" and school has thrown a cog in my feeling of routine. I think that is part of the learning process in college is to be able to effectively manage time, juggle several large and small projects at once all with deadlines, and still stay well fed and rested. I'll continue to try to learn this lesson.

Write a visualization of the exact moment in the future when you are experiencing the accomplishment of your biggest goal or dream as your role as a student.

The day of graduation, I wake up smiling but tired because it was hard to sleep the night prior. If dad is in town, and I am sure he will be for such an event, he will have already made coffee so it will be the first thing I smell and crave. He and I will make idol conversation about the exciting day and part company as I go to get showered and dressed.

I will have some dread of the parking and the crowds of people. I am diagnosed and medicated for agoraphobia (a strong desire to not leave the house and an absolute unease of crowds). My excitement and a quick dose of xanax will help me cope as we get in the car. I know several of my friends will also want to attend, so I may suggest we get a driver and car (limo) so it will be one less things to make me over stressed.

Close friends and family about, I will be beaming, near busting, with excitement. The crowed and being separated from my loved ones will be trying, but I know it will be only for a short time. After, I am quite sure we all will go someplace for a fine lunch or dinner. Keeping all this in mind will help me not freak out being sandwiched in so many people as I wait patiently for them to call my name. Walking across the stage I will be more in my element and joyful, excited to shake hands with whomever and receive my long worked for acknowledgement of my achievement. Additionally, I hope to be a part of the student who are in the top of their class, an added joy.

Diploma in hand, I will have the overwhelming urge to leave then, but I think it is normal to stay for the entire ceremony. I will wait and enjoy my fellow mates accomplishments also, proud of us all.

After the family dinner, I am sure my close friends and I will go "get our drink on" most likely retaining the limo for safety - and maybe even stay the evening at the Plaza, a place that bring back many memories of childhood skating.

While this is a visualization, I will put money on it that this is just about how it will happen!

Journal 8

Title a clean page of paper in your journal: MY LIFE PLAN. Below the title, complete the part of your Life Plan for your role as a student.

MY LIFE PLAN

My Dream

To wear my life like a set of comfortable clothing, being well educated, able to travel when wanted. Being in some kind of profession that could be completely mobile, allowing me to be able to conduct business from anywhere so I can enjoy the the luxury of travel. This does not necessarily mean business travel, there is a huge difference from doing business at a remote location and having to be at a remote location to conduct your business.

I want to be respected at what I do, even a leader in the industry. I want to balance work and personal life, not neglecting my better half (should I ever have another) or family.

I just reread our instructions, and I think I have jumped the gun a bit. As a student, I want to stay consistent with applying myself keeping a high GPA. I want to be well thought of by my teachers and fellow students.

My Life Role as a Student

My role as a student is what it is. It is my responsibility to show up on time, pay attention, follow through completely with each assignment doing the best I can. It is my responsibility to absorb and learn the information that is presented to me, and then show that I have mastered this information by doing well on test and exams. Being an adult student, I am here because I want to be here, so I enjoy it. Having fun is very important to me and becoming a student is very fun!

Further more, I feel it is my responsibility to not be disruptive in classes or school, and to be an over all asset (not a liability) to the school, my classes and everyone I come into contact with.

My Long Term Goals in this Role

Well, fairly easily I feel I can accomplish an Associates degree. I feel by then I will be offered or come across some fulfilling employment that I can thrive in and make what I need to live how I like to live. However, I am not attached to this outcome. Should that not happen I am open to continuing on to accomplish a Bachelor of Science and then seeking employment using my new skill sets.

My Short Term Goals in this Role

Sorry this is going to be so short, even if I dive deep. I find it best to keep many things as simple as possible. My short term goal in my role as a student is to have and maintain a 3.5 or higher GPA.

Write about what you have learned or relearned by designing your life plan.

Not a whole lot, other than it is good to see it on paper (opps, sorry, written out on a computer monitor). You can think of a goal, but as long as it is in your head it means very little. Once you share it with somebody, it has come out of your mouth, it brings you a step closer. When you get to the point of writing it down you are taking some action towards that goal (applause, applause), now make a game plan to achieve that goal and with a positive attitude, nothing can stop you except yourself.

Journal 7 and my Brain Drain

I know how crazy people feel. Head all tight, hearing crazy voices, not being able to focus because your emotional temperature is off the charts. Things, people, and some peoples actions can drive me to feel all of this at once. When this happens only one thing can help me get back to center (or as this class calls it, back "On Course") That is a brain drain. Get that crazy stuff out of your head; it is like popping a huge zit and getting all that grossness out and BAM, you're back On Course, you're centered.

I can get back to center by spending quality time with a friend and having a deep quality conversation (and maybe a glass of Merlot, or three), I can do it sometimes by meditation (but meditation for me is hard, I guess that is why they call it a discipline) or I can do it by writing. I would say being with a friend is my favorite but I benefit the most from writing.

So what I have got to get out of my head, like a poison, is something I saw on MSNBC when I got home today. The Honorable Mayor Dean Grose of Los Alamitos, California recently sent out from his personal email account the photo above with the a heading saying "No Easter egg hunt at the White House this year". Yes, you read right, a mayor. In case you were wondering, yes, he is Republican. Have you noticed how bitter they are these days?

The White House front lawn covered in watermelons was sent from Mr. Mayors personal email address to a circle of people who he thought might enjoy this kind of humor, however, one of the recipients was Keyanus Price. Ms. Price is an African American woman who sits on the board of the Youth Center, and she often works with city officials in the community representing her employer. Needless to say she, deeply offended, shared this with the local paper and it is now a national headline. If you feel knowledge is power click here to read the story from the local paper in Los Alamitos. I don't care to go on about the details of the story because no matter what is said or written about this event, Mayor Grose is a sad stupid man and is wrong.

In addition to writing, I also feel taking action is healthy and empowering. I am a cleaver little beaver, and it took me less than 4 minutes to find the email address of the mayor and his council members. I am writing an email to the Mayor, and his entire city council (four people). I am writing as a "political corespondent" from my own news blog and video cast called THIS WEEKS RECAP and asking a few very pointed questions. I am sure none of the will reply, even though my email asking questions is polite, fact based and unbiased. I am asking that even if they have "no comment" to please respond as such.

Lord help them if I so much as get a sentence out of any 5 of these f&%$tards! They are going to be taught what it is like to be on the butt end of a tasteless joke. It is small, and we just started it, however, THIS WEEKS RECAP is a fun project several friends of mine and I have started. At the moment it is by invitation only to access it, I will make sure you get an invite. I also will BCC you on the letter I am writing to these people.

Being gay, I have had crap like this thrown in my face all my life. THIS WEEKS RECAP is my response to every small minded (and usually uneducated) buffoon who has belittled me or any of my brothers and sisters in the human race. It also gives me a platform that is a little more than my meager vote to call politicians on their bullshit.

Okay, I feel better, on with my assignment!

Write three or more of your own desired outcomes for this course and/or this semester. Next (or under) each, explain why you value achieving that outcome.

Of course I want good, well no, excellent grades, however, more important, I want to truly and deeply absorb every bit of information in each class.

I value the above outcome because what I am doing is building a house of knowledge in my head. I want this house to be built on a super strong foundation, the foundation of this house is this, my first semester in college. If I pass a class but really don't understand 50% of it, I'm going to struggle twice as much in the class that proceeds it. If that happens, the educational "house" I am trying to build will crumble like a house of cards.

I most likely, at some point in my life, have been taught every thing the text for this class teaches. In no way does that mean I remember it or practice it. I want to be open to all of this information because what I do know and remember is that it will truly transform my life.

Remember the book (paraphrasing) "Everything I Needed to Know for Life I learned in the Third Grade". I read it, and it was funny, heartwarming and so true. I did learn everything I need to know for life in the third grade, but I don't really remember the third grade. I need to be retaught this information on how to live a successful and happy life.

I hope to make new friends, new connections, enjoy the experience of all that "college life" has to offer.

While I see it through different eyes than most of my classmates, college life is a completely new experience for me. I am excited about it and want to absorb everything it has to offer academically and socially.


Write three or more of your desired experiences for this course and/or this semester. Next (or under) each, explain why you value having that experience.

Build self esteem, regain control of my physical body, expand my mind.

I want to be confident, lean (well, in shape) and well educated. I have always gone after what I wanted and usually gotten it, in this stage of my life this is how I see myself creating the vessel I need to continue to lead a joyful life.

I want to enjoy myself and have a positive effect on the people around me, likewise, I hope the people around me are happy and experiencing joy and make a lasting impression on me.

I feel I am mentally healthiest when I am well connected with other positive and mentally healthy people. They can give me energy and I hope that I can return good energy to them.

I hope to build a positive force, a synergy, in this my first semester of college at the age of 44, that will keep growing with each semester.

I value this desired experience a lot. For me to keep at this, and I am sure I will, I need a positive synergy to build like to tidal wave, getting bigger and stronger with each semester. This, along with staying focused each day, I am sure will bring higher than expected results.

Write about your level of motivation using the formula V x E = M

I was trained as a professional athlete. I'm in our I am out. When using the above formula I am confident I am a 100, using the tools written about above, the entire text of On Course - and the athletic training I have had since I was 8 until leaving to tour Ice Capades, I am pretty confident about what is going on here and how to keep it up.

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it"

If being both a Creator and a Victim; does that make us BI Mental? Is that the same as BI Polar?

This is the "Rag Doll" number from the Radio City Hall Christmas Spectacular. This and the "Toy Soldier" number they have included in the Christmas show for some 50 plus years.

I think it is a rare occasion when we don't grow through our teen years and not have a large portion of our mental reality thinking we are a victim. I say that with some age and (hopefully) wisdom under my belt. I do not dwell on it, and am no longer a "victim" of it, but I had a harder than usual childhood and it continued through my teens. Our parents, I acknowledge, did the best they could, but it was very substandard. As adults my brother and I joke that what we learned about parenting and relationships from our parents was; if you can't be a good example, then most likely you are going to be a horrible warning.

They were and continue to be horrible warnings of what not to do. David, my brother, and I take heed to these lessons and work daily to be good creative humans. But both of our late teens and twenty's were difficult because we both felt like absolute victims. Our parents were victims so we learned it well, we lived in a pink bubble of emotionally sick luxury, and everybody and everything was out to get us. The start of my healing, even though it was still years away, was when I went on tour with Ice Capades. I was away from our unhealthy family life, but I still lived in a little bubble of the privileged. My point, and I do have one, is it still took years before I had what Oprah would call my "ah-ha" moment. This moment came in my late 20's, with considerable expense to me emotionally, to my ego, and for a short time to my skating career.

After years of being a successful skater (I thought anyway, hindsight has informed me I was difficult to work with and an all around ass), I was doing an ice show just outside of San Fransisco. All shows (ice or not) have a wardrobe department and that department includes "dressers" who help you get ready and especially are valuable for fast changes when you have to change and get back on stage. At this particular show my dresser was an 18 year old girl. Dressers are always local people with some degree of theater background. Usual attire backstage at an ice show are your skates, and a g string. Just for a little more background, we do not wear g strings because we think we are sexy, it is because it makes for a nice line in the usually tight costumes. Note that you NEVER see underwear lines at an ice show or watching skating on TV.

I digress, anyway.

So myself and my dressing room buddy Bobby Bowles were getting pumped for another show after a day of standing ovations, make up on, in our backstage wear when the dresser came in. Our dressing room did not have any bottled water (this was in our contract but not the dressers responsibility) and I barked to her to go get us water. She politely declined and continued to get our costumes ready and I was incensed. I pulled my g string down to my ankles, put my hands on my hips and said tell the stage manager I am not skating until you bring us bottled water.

Practically nude, in front of a 18 year old girl, making unreasonable demands and acting absolutely horrid, a complete ass. It makes me cringe (and laugh a little I have to admit) to write this. She went to get the stage manager (also telling him what had just transpired) and he brought us water and asked about what had just happened. After the curtain call of that show, security was in my dressing room to escort me from the venue, and the producer instantly fired me.

Me!!! I was Kevin Day!!! I was the biggest asset any ice show could have for ticket sales!!! What the hell were they thinking?? HOW DARE THEM DO THIS TO ME!!!

It is so elementary how this entire situation could have been avoided. I was a ticking victim time bomb for years, and this was the beginning of a new chapter. Ice shows went on without Kevin. For several months producers would not take my managers calls. My Inner Defender kept trying to make me feel better, but it was growing weak. The louder voice was saying "boy, you messed up, you need to change or.....", so I did.

Three months later, I got an interview with Charles Schultz, the creator of the peanuts. He wanted to use me for a Christmas Special he was doing, but had also heard of my recent behavior. He was a sweet soft spoken man, and listed to me as I owned my behavior (perhaps for the first time in my life), accepted how it was extremely wrong, and promised him I would be a complete professional during his production. He offered me the contract and that was the beginning of a complete new Kevin. I was sad when I heard he died and will always credit him with helping me make the decision to take the path of becoming a better person.

Fast forward about five years, I actually had the reputation of being a true die hard professional on any set or production site. I no longer had a manager and handled all of our contracts (I was a pair skater). We were approached by someone who said we would be perfect of a show they do at Radio City Music Hall that had a small bit of ice skating in it. We had done some high profile jobs, and worked with many stars - but the Rockettes!!! New York!!! Radio City!! I tried to be cool, and took the number of the producer, but was terrified to call. However, my desire to be a part of this show was stronger than my fear. I made an outline of what I was going to say, notes with answers to possible questions he may ask, and dialed him up. While we knew many of the same people, he did not know of us. We had a decent talk, nothing warm and friendly, and said good bye. Was he going to hear about my horrible behavior? If he did, could I convince him that was a long time ago and I was different? Was I different?

The entertainment field wreaks havoc on your mental state.

He called our mutual friends and other producers and we got the job. We did many great shows but that one was the highlight of my skating career. Working at Radio City with the Rockettes was like being a small part of American entertainment history. Not to mention how many cute chorus boys were in that show. (Blush)

In both of these stories the outcome was, of course, completely different, One incredibly negative and one incredibly positive. Both outcomes were also the direct result of my decisions and my actions. It was during and after Radio City I really started to realize how the decisions you make and actions you take completely effect your present state of serenity and your future serenity.

The lesson you can take away from this journal entry is so very well written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross at the top of the assignment sheet for this journal entry.

"I believe we are solely responsible for our
choices, and we have to accept the
consequences of every deed, word, and thought
throughout our lifetime."