The Joy of Quadrant II - Journal Entry 12

Joy had eluded me for the better part of 15 years. Joy. I would smile, even laugh, but inside I felt dead. I was clinically depressed but undiagnosed. The last 5 years of it on a daily basis I would wish I were dead. I did not have the balls to kill myself, but I would pray for God to take me. Every night. Nothing mattered. I could go days without bathing or hardly getting out of bed. I had no structure, no motivation, no desire, no joy.

This was hard to accept since the first part of my life was so filled with joy. Where did it go? What did I do to make it go away? I could pinpoint a couple of events that would make someone upset, perhaps down and depressed for a short time - but mine lasted year after year, and was getting worse. It was like there were two Kevins and I missed the Kevin that was full of joy. I mourned the loss of him. That made me even more depressed. It was an overwhelming snowball effect that I had no control over.

All of the professional success I had enjoyed in my early life was gone, joy was gone, I had no desire to do anything, not even live. I picked a date to end my life, it was so painful I could no longer take it. For once I had a bit of excitement in my shell of a soul because I had a goal, I had picked a date that the suffering was going to end. I was going to kill myself on my birthday.

It seemed perfectly logical to leave the day you came in on.

Fast forward, I am filled with joy. I was reminded of how dark depression can be because a family friend is going through it. He cannot make rational decisions, and cannot see past the depression. I pray for him that something will also snap for him to bring joy back into his life.

So, time management, which is actually self management, for me lies in structure and not varying much from that structure. Yes, I do use a calender that syncs with my iPHONE, I daily make list, and Monday through Friday I do pretty much the exact same thing. Study increases on any topic a week or so before a test. I never need to cram becuase I work hard daily to keep to my routine. I think one of the reasons this works so well for me is because my happiness does not happen down the road when some event happens (I will use graduation for an example here since we are in a class and all share that want / goal) my happiness happens today, now, right in this very moment. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey.

So, sticking to what this entry is supposed to be about (sorry, my mind is in a lot of places tonight) my system is routine, list making daily, keeping a calender months in advance - and enjoying being in the moment.

The three tools offered in the book, I feel I already use - I am just more of a digital person and keep things on PC's, hand held devices - make sure they are always syncd, keeping an eye on the big picture while doing what needs to be done in fornt of me to get to the big picture. Could my system be improved, of course. Actually, I would like to be more cosistant with my journaling without having to be making a text book entry. But there is only so much Kevin to go around and I have got to keep all these balls in the air I am juggeling. So for now, I am happy and accept that this is about the only time I will be able to journal. However, this time is precious to me.