Chapter 5, Journal 15

1. Write and complete the following ten sentence stems:

1. A specific situation when someone assisted me was my best friend Ryan, when I needed to be moved from another city to Dallas.
2. A specific situation when I assisted someone else was weekly, I mow two yards every weekend for my father because he is not physically able to do so. His ego tells him that I owe this to him for everything that he has done for me, but I know the truth.
3. A specific situation where I made assisting someone else more important than my own success and happiness was - I am truly embarrassed that I cannot think of an instance I have made such a self sacrifice.
4. When some ask me for assistance I usually feel bothered and put out, unless it is only for a short period of time. I am lofty in thinking that my time is so valuable.
5. When I think of asking for someone else for assistance I usually feel incompetent.
6. What usually gets in the way of my asking for help is my ego and pride.
7. If I often asked other people for assistance I would feel like a free loader.
8. If I joyfully gave assistance to others a degree of joy would be returned to me.
9. If i gratefully accepted assistance from others I might be able to accomplish more, learn more, learn how to return (give) assistance more.
10. One goal that I could use assistance with today is being open to allowing more people to become my friend. Being open and patient with dating.

2. Write about what you discovered in completing the sentence stems in Step 1: Is your typical relationship to others (1) dependent (2) codependent (3) independent, or (4) interdependent?

It is a well documented fact that I am independent to a fault. For years I have pulled my own weight and had very little patience with people who do not. In fact, if I see someone who is not (in my lofty opinion) pulling their own weight, not only will I not offer to help, if they ask I will say no. In return and to my own detriment, I treat myself the same way.

My family life cultivated this early on, mother going through 5 husbands before my little brother was out of college. Skating further ingrained this into my way of thinking due to there is no team about it, no interaction to work together for the better of the whole.

After pretty much raising my little brother as mother went from one relationship to another, honestly feeling like he was my only family, the only one who would always be there for me, he got married. Once married, he had his on family and his (strange) wife did not like his family (us), including me, around. So in many ways I feel like I lost my brother. So other than my best friend, I feel very isolated and alone. Even my best friend has a wife and two kids so our time is very limited.

What is odd about this, is I know this is not the most healthy way to be or live, but I have become strangely accustomed to it. In fact, it is strange to me to have people who want to be around me, help me, need help, etc.. This class has made me look at many ingrained values I have and question them. I think there is a better way to live, a better life out there, and I want it and am willing to do anything I need to learn or do to have it.

This is an ongoing thought process I have daily - not destructively, but I am just constantly aware of it. Since it is ongoing I do not know how to wrap this up, end this journal entry - I guess I will do so by telling myself that I love myself and am proud of the track I am on.

=)